I find people that are always happy a little annoying. I appreciate a positive outlook just as much as the next sarcastic girl, but sometimes a girl's just gotta cry. Since I've decided to embrace putting my personal life on the world wide web, I might as well include the good, bad and the ugly. And yesterday, quite frankly was as ugly as it's ever been.
I literally cried myself to sleep (subsequently, I've only cried twice today) last night. I don't even have a valid reason to cry, which only made me cry harder. I cried because I felt guilty that I have so much to be thankful for, yet I feel so sad. I cried because my baby won't get to grow up around my family. I cried because my mom hasn't spoken to me in months. I cried for my favorite pajama pants that are now too small. I cried about everything and everyone. I cried so openly and for so long that it even scared me.
This is real life after all and even though I am thankful for this baby, my family, my husband, my dogs, stability and much more - it can still be hard and little lonely at times.
I don't know the answer to getting out of this little funk, I'm hoping to ride it out with time and giant bag of candy corn. Fingers crossed that I've found the perfect combination for a little late in pregnancy rally.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Our baby, the jicama?
Why would anyone compare our sweet baby to this horrible potato, onion fruit thing? The fruit and vegetable comparisons were funny at first, but this one just kind of irritates me. 8 weeks and 8 random fruit to go.
I feel like each week that I celebrate this baby's growth it becomes more and more like my 16th birthday. I wait for nearly a year anticipating this day, knowing that it will forever change my life. Time drags on, my friends have their big days and then FINALLY my day has come. Or at least it will eventually. I know, just like when I woke up on that fantastic day and drove my first solo route to school - it would never be the same. I hope there are signs cheering me on the entire route, just like when I was 16 and my mom painstakingly posted words of encouragement all along that route to school. I can't wait. 56 days to go!
Chris and I had our first lamaze class, which was really, really fun. Here are the highlights in no particular order:
1. The gigantic mexican guy next to us falling asleep (and snoring) during the birth video. How someone can sleep through that carnage is beyond me.
2. The guy on our other side asking the teacher if there will be a full or queen bed in the recovery room...for him.
3. Our teachers nipples making an appearance throughout the day, sometimes both - sometimes just one. I guess it was a little cold in there.
4. Chris having to rub me with all kind of fantastic things, incuding but not limited to a paint brush roller. He did at some point ask when we would reverse it and the pregnant women would rub their husbands, to which I replied, like any woman would "when you push a watermelon out of your vagina."
5. Chris asking me on the way out "So you're going to get an epidural right? That seems like the way to go."
Now, some pictures:
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Single digits...less than 9 weeks to go.
I know that it should not come as a surprise that this baby's arrival is imminent, but it is. Sometimes, when I wake out of a deep sleep it hits me that I'm pregnant, now VERY pregnant and I laugh. Then I laugh again when I try to get out of bed to pee...for the 3rd time. I sort of have to rock myself off of the mattress onto my feet. I am glad there are no mirrors in the bedroom because I am pretty positive the whole ordeal is very unattractive.
Here are some things I miss:
1. Seeing my feet
2. Being able to put my underwear on without falling over
3. Chai lattes
4. 99% of my wardrobe
5. Sitting indian style in my desk chair (of course this could be less about the baby and more about the growing size of my thighs)
6. Going more than 14 days without being weighed in and judged like the cows at the county fair
Here are some things I love:
1. All the sympathy I get for carrying this baby in such a hot summer, it doesn't make me any less sweaty but it feels nice to be recognized
2. Feeling the baby move or hiccup, this will never get old or less amazing
3. His room
4. Getting gifts :) I'm sure this makes me sound selfish, but I do love it - I don't care what you think.
5. Starting to plan for 3 months off work - hooray!!
6. Folding all his little clothes and being amazed that anything that small has ever existed
7. That I have finally been able to sit outside without danger of heat stroke
8. High school football (ok it isn't baby related, but I do love it
Something I do not love:
1. The guy at the office that clips his finger nails MAYBE even his toes - AT HIS DESK.
Funny questions/conversations/statements I've had/heard lately:
"Rikki Lake had some seriously dark nipples during pregnancy." - wha?!
"Jewish people wouldn't drive a Mercedes, it's like telling Hitler you love him" - loose translation
"We'll need to leave Lamaze class early in order to get to the UNT game. I doubt we'll miss anything" - I love my husband
"Everyone loves a poop story" - not true
Cheers to 62 more days of pregnancy!
Here are some things I miss:
1. Seeing my feet
2. Being able to put my underwear on without falling over
3. Chai lattes
4. 99% of my wardrobe
5. Sitting indian style in my desk chair (of course this could be less about the baby and more about the growing size of my thighs)
6. Going more than 14 days without being weighed in and judged like the cows at the county fair
Here are some things I love:
1. All the sympathy I get for carrying this baby in such a hot summer, it doesn't make me any less sweaty but it feels nice to be recognized
2. Feeling the baby move or hiccup, this will never get old or less amazing
3. His room
4. Getting gifts :) I'm sure this makes me sound selfish, but I do love it - I don't care what you think.
5. Starting to plan for 3 months off work - hooray!!
6. Folding all his little clothes and being amazed that anything that small has ever existed
7. That I have finally been able to sit outside without danger of heat stroke
8. High school football (ok it isn't baby related, but I do love it
Something I do not love:
1. The guy at the office that clips his finger nails MAYBE even his toes - AT HIS DESK.
Funny questions/conversations/statements I've had/heard lately:
"Rikki Lake had some seriously dark nipples during pregnancy." - wha?!
"Jewish people wouldn't drive a Mercedes, it's like telling Hitler you love him" - loose translation
"We'll need to leave Lamaze class early in order to get to the UNT game. I doubt we'll miss anything" - I love my husband
"Everyone loves a poop story" - not true
Cheers to 62 more days of pregnancy!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
30 weeks!
Our little cabbage is about 16 inches long and almost 3 lbs. He (it is so nice to not have to type it or he/she) is very active these days, which I enjoy. He has also starting getting, or I've just started being able to feel it, the hiccups. Hiccups in utero feel like a tiny rhythmic but very light kick. When I first felt them (appx 5:30 am) I woke up Chris so he could feel too. And bless his sweet, sweet soul, he didn't even blink a second of anger for being woken up before dawn. I love him.
I didn't think I'd ever say this, but maybe I'll miss being pregnant when it's over? There is something so remarkable about carrying, nurturing, and feeling your baby grow within.
On the other hand, there are a number of areas of my body I can no longer see - I won't miss that. I probably won't miss heartburn waking me up in the middle of the night. I definitely won't miss my doctor's lecture about how a cinnamon roll for breakfast has NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE and is just like eating dessert for breakfast. Maybe so doc, but 8 months ago dessert for breakfast was a completely acceptable thing. I, for sure, won't miss sleeping on my side, although I have to say this is immensely improved with the purchase of a new mattress a few days ago. It is doubtful I'll miss the feeling of my stomach touching my thighs, a feeling that just doesn't seem quite right. I won't miss the hormone shifts that make me a little like jekyll and hyde. I won't miss maternity clothes, that used to be so liberating with that stretchy panel, but now just feel ugly, gigantic and out of fashion.
Anyway, I digress...
We had our shower this past weekend, which was really fun. There is nothing like having all of your favorite people in one place. It means a lot when people go out of their way to show up for the important times of your life. The older I get, the more I value just that - showing up. No one is better at showing up then my family in NY, particularly my aunt Vic. She has made the drive from NY to TX for every important time in my life and the gesture does not go unnoticed. I am overcome with thankfulness for the show of support and feel so lucky to have people like her in my life. They may not be close in proximity, but they are close in all the ways that matter.
A special thank you to Catherine, Sarah, Amanda & Kelli for setting everything up and making such a great environment for fun! Thank you ladies for a fantastic night, thank you thank you thank you.
I didn't think I'd ever say this, but maybe I'll miss being pregnant when it's over? There is something so remarkable about carrying, nurturing, and feeling your baby grow within.
On the other hand, there are a number of areas of my body I can no longer see - I won't miss that. I probably won't miss heartburn waking me up in the middle of the night. I definitely won't miss my doctor's lecture about how a cinnamon roll for breakfast has NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE and is just like eating dessert for breakfast. Maybe so doc, but 8 months ago dessert for breakfast was a completely acceptable thing. I, for sure, won't miss sleeping on my side, although I have to say this is immensely improved with the purchase of a new mattress a few days ago. It is doubtful I'll miss the feeling of my stomach touching my thighs, a feeling that just doesn't seem quite right. I won't miss the hormone shifts that make me a little like jekyll and hyde. I won't miss maternity clothes, that used to be so liberating with that stretchy panel, but now just feel ugly, gigantic and out of fashion.
Anyway, I digress...
We had our shower this past weekend, which was really fun. There is nothing like having all of your favorite people in one place. It means a lot when people go out of their way to show up for the important times of your life. The older I get, the more I value just that - showing up. No one is better at showing up then my family in NY, particularly my aunt Vic. She has made the drive from NY to TX for every important time in my life and the gesture does not go unnoticed. I am overcome with thankfulness for the show of support and feel so lucky to have people like her in my life. They may not be close in proximity, but they are close in all the ways that matter.
A special thank you to Catherine, Sarah, Amanda & Kelli for setting everything up and making such a great environment for fun! Thank you ladies for a fantastic night, thank you thank you thank you.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Our son!
I have a few stories to tell today, one of which even Chris has never heard.
First, the short version of finding out our baby's sex.
We went into the sonogram having decided that we'll ask the sonographer to write it down for us IN CASE we decided we wanted to know. And so she did. Then we walked out of the sonographer's office into the hospital lobby, sat down and opened the dang envelope. :) We made it approximately 3 minutes and 10 feet holding that fateful envelope before we opened it. I apologize now for the fib of "we aren't finding out." It seemed easier than, we know but aren't telling. At any rate, the next decision we made was that we'd share our news at our shower. It was really fun and I highly recommend doing things this way. First, it was sweet and special for us to find out together on our own terms (that lobby has never meant more to me). Second, telling people in person when you are way farther along is fun. Third, if you tell people AT your shower then you've avoided getting 15 sailor suits for your litle fella (none of which he'll ever wear).
My second story is one that might be moderately embarassing to reveal, but what the heck.
Chris and I decided to stop preventing pregnancy in January. So of course on January 2nd, I starting obsessively reading about pregnancy, conception, etc. While I was reading about that, I heard about a conception psychic. And then I paid $7 to get one. :) On my honor, this is the email I received from her:
Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the end of February/beginning of March from a cycle that begins in February. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birth date is referenced the month of November 2011 - specific reference to the 7th and 16th.
The best onesie ever:
First, the short version of finding out our baby's sex.
We went into the sonogram having decided that we'll ask the sonographer to write it down for us IN CASE we decided we wanted to know. And so she did. Then we walked out of the sonographer's office into the hospital lobby, sat down and opened the dang envelope. :) We made it approximately 3 minutes and 10 feet holding that fateful envelope before we opened it. I apologize now for the fib of "we aren't finding out." It seemed easier than, we know but aren't telling. At any rate, the next decision we made was that we'd share our news at our shower. It was really fun and I highly recommend doing things this way. First, it was sweet and special for us to find out together on our own terms (that lobby has never meant more to me). Second, telling people in person when you are way farther along is fun. Third, if you tell people AT your shower then you've avoided getting 15 sailor suits for your litle fella (none of which he'll ever wear).
My second story is one that might be moderately embarassing to reveal, but what the heck.
Chris and I decided to stop preventing pregnancy in January. So of course on January 2nd, I starting obsessively reading about pregnancy, conception, etc. While I was reading about that, I heard about a conception psychic. And then I paid $7 to get one. :) On my honor, this is the email I received from her:
Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the end of February/beginning of March from a cycle that begins in February. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birth date is referenced the month of November 2011 - specific reference to the 7th and 16th.
The best onesie ever:
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Third Trimester. :)
I feel like I should celebrate! I know it sounds completely ridiculous, since you don't typically celebrate at this stage of the pregnancy. But that doesn't stop me from FEELING like I should celebrate. Even the baby is currently dancing a jig in there. Hello baby, I'm excited too.
This week our baby is somewhere between 15 inches and 16 inches long and around 2 1/2 lbs. It's vegetable comparison:
The chinese cabbage.
I think it's important to understand that they're now just comparing the baby's weight to vegetables and not the size. Although, for all I know a chinese cabbage could be 15-16 inches long. I have never actually seen one.
At 28 weeks, our baby is now blinking (with it's newly developed eye lashes!), swallowing, breathing (this might seem strange, but it's just starting to breath amniotic fluid as practice for breathing outside the womb), and seeing light. It will spend the next 12 weeks putting on weight, so it comes out with lovable and squeezable cheeks. I love you I love you I love you.
On another note, I'm currently stuck in a situation where I don't really know what to do. Someone close to me feels that I've done something to wrong them. Simultaneously, I feel completely hurt by what they did/said. The result is that we haven't talked in over a month. This weighs heavy on my heart because it's happening during a time when I want that person around and I need their support. The problem is, I'm always the one making it right or letting hurtful things go or defending the mean things they do and quite frankly, I'm tired of it. But now I'm stuck somewhere between rage and guilt with a healthy dose of sadness. What do I do now? I have tried to put it right twice, but the other half of this equation hasn't returned my calls either time. Sigh.
Changing tunes, my office is across from a hotel here in downtown. I overlook one side of the hotel where the same hotel room window is open every day I sit here. We're talking 4 years. I feel the need to investigate, but instead I just stare at it each day wondering what in the world is going on in there. Dear window, why are you always open when all your neighbors are closed? I waste a lot of time wondering about things that don't really matter. :) I won't even get into the fact that EVERY time I see someone come out on the roof of the building directly across from me, I expect them to jump off of it. Morbid.
On a happy note, Chris is on a two week break from class so I finally get to spend some time with him each night. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don't miss him when he's gone?
This week our baby is somewhere between 15 inches and 16 inches long and around 2 1/2 lbs. It's vegetable comparison:
I think it's important to understand that they're now just comparing the baby's weight to vegetables and not the size. Although, for all I know a chinese cabbage could be 15-16 inches long. I have never actually seen one.
At 28 weeks, our baby is now blinking (with it's newly developed eye lashes!), swallowing, breathing (this might seem strange, but it's just starting to breath amniotic fluid as practice for breathing outside the womb), and seeing light. It will spend the next 12 weeks putting on weight, so it comes out with lovable and squeezable cheeks. I love you I love you I love you.
On another note, I'm currently stuck in a situation where I don't really know what to do. Someone close to me feels that I've done something to wrong them. Simultaneously, I feel completely hurt by what they did/said. The result is that we haven't talked in over a month. This weighs heavy on my heart because it's happening during a time when I want that person around and I need their support. The problem is, I'm always the one making it right or letting hurtful things go or defending the mean things they do and quite frankly, I'm tired of it. But now I'm stuck somewhere between rage and guilt with a healthy dose of sadness. What do I do now? I have tried to put it right twice, but the other half of this equation hasn't returned my calls either time. Sigh.
Changing tunes, my office is across from a hotel here in downtown. I overlook one side of the hotel where the same hotel room window is open every day I sit here. We're talking 4 years. I feel the need to investigate, but instead I just stare at it each day wondering what in the world is going on in there. Dear window, why are you always open when all your neighbors are closed? I waste a lot of time wondering about things that don't really matter. :) I won't even get into the fact that EVERY time I see someone come out on the roof of the building directly across from me, I expect them to jump off of it. Morbid.
On a happy note, Chris is on a two week break from class so I finally get to spend some time with him each night. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don't miss him when he's gone?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Go Mean Green!
Chris is subtly trying to coax our unborn child to already commit to attending UNT, like his/her parents. The first way was to put the NT fight song into our baby's music mix. The second way is this:
I nearly cried when I pictured our baby in this get up, it seems so big for 3-6 months. I LOVE it. And I love you too Chris, but our baby can go wherever he/she wants to college.
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