Life Lessons

Dear Baby,

Please consider these things as you grow up.  Don't feel like you HAVE to follow them, I hate to rob you the joy of experience but trust me when I tell you I learned the hard way.

• When going into a bathroom with stalls...
• if possible, skip a stall so there's an empty one between you and the next girl.  You don't need to be that close to anyone doing...that.
• if you're a boy, it's not a good idea to look at your neighbor at the urinal.  And PLEASE no talking in there.
• if you aren't going to wash your hands and other people are in their, at least run the water.  No one likes the girl at the office that doesn't wash.  Keep up the facade.
• Never cry out loud in the bathroom.  If you need to cry you go right to your car and do it in private.  And please call me.
• don't bother using those disposable toilet seat covers, I haven't used one in my entire life with no noticeable consequences.
• When it comes to tattoos, wait until you're 20.  This will help deter you from getting something completely ridiculous that as a teenager you find hilarious.  Also, best to avoid tattoo artists with missing teeth.  Trust me on this one.
• If you are ever the victim of bullying, try sarcasm.  Generally speaking the dummies that enjoy bullying will be so confused by your quick wit they'll run in fear.  If this doesn't work, hit that douche bag.  We will have to punish you, but know now that I will be secretly proud.
• Don't try and play your dad against me to get your way.  We communicate regularly.  Try kindness or doing the dishes, that always butters me up.
• DO NOT publish, print, or otherwise share things in code that the teachers will read.  Hiding the words "mrs. so and so is a bitch" in a word search will get found.  Nicknaming a keg a girls name, then writing about her in the newspaper will get found.  Just ask your dad.
• Never feel bad about being promoted over, started over, picked over, or recognized over your friends.  If they are real friends, they'll be happy for you either way.
• If you're a girl, when you exercise for god sakes wear a pony tail holder.  It's exercise not a beauty pageant.
• If you're a boy, when you exercise for god sakes wear a shirt.  It's exercise not a runway.
• NEVER use a baby voice.  NEVER.  Even when talking to babies.
• Help people.  Across the street.  At work.  With their groceries.  With some change.  But stay away from hitchhikers, they're on their own out there.